Christmas Memories

I have a lot of happy Christmas memories from years gone by. Surprisingly very few bad ones, I’m sure there were some, most likely I locked those away in the vault. That area in my brain where I store the painful experiences my heart chooses not to look at. Most of us have them. A friend told me once it’s sort of a safety mechanism. Realities we can not face or deal with we will simply lock away and not look at. I believe this is a gift from God. Something He gives, especially to children, for their protection.

I have a lot of wonderful memories from when I was young but I don’t remember how old I was. There was the year I began to doubt Santa Clause existed. After all we didn’t have a chimney, so how did he get into our house? My brother Jimmy told me of course there’s a Santa and he sat me down and explained how he got into our house. He took a little pill to make him so tiny he could get through a key hole. But what about the huge bag of toys??!! Well he sprinkled magic dust on it and it shrunk down too. Once he got inside he returned to his normal size, along with the presents and he would search through his bag for our gifts. He would leave the same way he got in, through the keyhole. My brother Jim saved Christmas that year and I believed in Santa Clause again. He could really tell a story.

I don’t remember if it was the next year or the one after that but one of my siblings took my sister Phyllis and I upstairs to the attic and showed us where all the Christmas gifts were hidden that our parents had bought. Santa Clause had had his day. The gig was up and that Christmas wasn’t as magical or special as the rest had been.

I guess we were considered a middle class family but there always seemed to be a lack of money. With nine kids I can’t imagine how our parents managed to make sure we had a nice Christmas, but we always did.

I remember my Mom had one friend who had a daughter named Bonnie. They were very poor and every year Mom would pick a few toys from our gifts to give to Bonnie and her Mom. We had plenty, Aunts and Uncles would always give us wonderful games and toys. Still, I resented having to give up one of my games or toys. Maybe I was a typical selfish child, I don’t know. I do know that as I got older I understood, and was grateful my Mom had such a generous caring heart. I believe our parents teach us how to love and care about others. At least, it was so in my family.

Christmas was a huge celebration in our family. It was a time for family and friends to gather on Morrell Street at the Theisen’s. Eat, drink and be merry; listen to Christmas music on the hi-fi, tell stories, laugh and just have a good old time. Mom made her special punch and bowl after bowl would flow through the night along with beer, wine and high balls. Someone always had too much to drink and there was always an argument and sometimes more than one but things never got too out of hand. Not to my recollection anyway.

I used to sneak sips of punch and as the years rolled by graduated to sneaking glasses of it. One year my brother Jim’s girlfriend Brenda poured a little pitcher of punch for me to enjoy at my leisure up in the attic. I thought that was way cool and I felt very adult enjoying my punch upstairs. I liked not having to sneak a sip here or there downstairs among the adults. I couldn’t wait to grow up and join them.

Then there was the year I was given my allowance for Christmas gifts and pulled a fast one so to speak. When we were young we did all our shopping at the dime store, I think it was officially called Kresge’s. I don’t remember how much money I had to work with but I know I wanted more, especially since I had my eye on a label maker I really wanted for myself. Now, this was back in the late sixties mind you, so it wasn’t a fancy hi-tech gizmo. It was hand held, with a fist grip you squeezed to make the imprints on the roll of thick plastic labels you loaded. My young mind imagined all the very cool labels I could make with such a great device. I wanted that label maker bad and I was hopeful I would find a way. After all, I rationalized; just think of all the really cool labels I could make for my friends and family. The problem was the amount of cash I had and the many gifts I needed to purchase, my parents, six sisters, two brothers and a couple of friends. I slowly went up and down each aisle looking and hoping I could solve my problem when I came to the hair care products. There it was, a huge multi pack of combs and brushes of different shapes and sizes. And what a bargain price! It was combs and brushes all around that year, carefully wrapped for each and every person. I even gave one to my Dad even though he always wore a brush cut and had no use for one. Most importantly, of course, I got the label maker for me, which I simply couldn’t live with out.

As the years go by, our priorities in life change. When I was in my teen years, I was spending whatever money I had on getting high. Junior high and high school, that was it. Partying, music and my friends. School and family obligations had become something I spent as little time on as I could possibly get away with. One Christmas I spent my gift allowance on getting high. Of course that was all well and good with me but what to do about the Christmas gifts I had to get. As it turned out, a group of girls I knew was headed down to Michigan and Schaffer to do some shopping. This was an area in Detroit that had a bunch of stores all close together. Montgomery Wards, Federals, The Gap, Dearborn Music, there were a bunch of stores down there. It was all about a five finger discount, stealing. I had no problem with that either, I was quite the thief in my youth and very talented. I’m not bragging but I never got caught and after I turned eighteen I stopped. Well, not right away, hard habit to break cold turkey, but eventually I did. No way did I want to chance getting caught as an adult and possibly going to jail or having a record. Looking back, I can’t believe how bold we were that night. We walked out of one store carrying big brown paper bags of stuff. Just right out the door with these bags full of clothes and all kinds of stuff. I managed to get gifts for everyone and it was a great Christmas.

I am working the steps of a twelve step program and we get to a certain point where we make amends for wreckage in our past, when ever we can. I’m not sure how I will deal with this but I will listen to my sponsor’s advice and take it from there. Step one of this step is to go to the Lord with it. Sincerely ask the Lord to forgive me for my sins. There is a saying in AA, one of many. More will be revealed. Early on, I wasn’t sure what this meant. As time went on it became all to clear. Sometimes out of the blue a memory will pop in my head, something I had completely forgotten about, something that was buried deep. So I’ll run it through my brain using the step four process. Who was involved, who if anyone, was hurt, what was my part in it and can I make amends, is it wreckage I can clean up? And most importantly, do I need to turn to the Lord in prayer and confess a sin. For me, that is the easy part. He is the one I can go to with anything, no matter how horrible, shocking or disgusting the sin may seem to me or someone else. He already knows and He has heard it all before. Praise you Father God. For embracing this woman time and time again, never turning away and accepting me for who and what I am. A broken and humble servant, trying to clean up my past and looking forward to a bright and hope filled future.